The Red Tent

Thursday, May 22, 2014

My Birthing Cry

Literally, I'm having a conversation on facebook minutes ago with a woman who is trying to launch her own blog voicing from her vagina ... my blog inspired her, I am grateful. I make the comment that I'm the woman who cannot write without a storm ripping through the valley to hold me --as I send the message, thunder cracks --and now there is a storm here, holding me. I will take this invitation. Let's see what comes. Rain just did --pouring in just that moment, cascading off my windows. I love this inexplainable connection to Nature that I have been able to form by the consciousness I have been able to weave and awaken. It has been painful, difficult, humiliating at times. But I am still here ..sometimes I have no idea how. The amount of abuse I have had to endure in this female body --hail is slamming the window now. I am rage. FUCK. This is so sacred. I wish you could be here to experience this moment with me. I would not believe this, if I were not sitting here witnessing it. I have become a voice for this earth, and I just need to take a step back right now and be here.

Alright, now that I screamed, drummed and sang that one out --this really needs to be addressed. This rape of the feminine ..this harassment that has become customary, that so many would like to deny. It is a travesty. We fear women's power --women, fear their power. For generations. The hail sounds like drumbeats off my house. I've been working so deeply with the blood, I'm moving into understanding the full cycle. The full circle of life. This is what I mean when I say women hold the ceremonies --the original ceremonies, that man has tried to replicate by stealing her knowledge and her power and beating her into submission so that she would just forget.

This happened.
There is no more denying this.
There is only healing this.

My life prepared me to see this, to face this, to make me strong enough to stand against this, to have the courage to speak this. Regardless of how many masks I might wear, or snakes that dangle from my hair. I just picked up my drum and beat into this fierce storm that I will stand, I will stand for my children --even if my body is beaten and bleeding out on the ground. I will not stop. This is why I am here. Most of you cannot understand this. Maybe you just don't know. How precious life is ..and to hear it crying when it should be singing is so sad. I do not want to spend my life in grieving ....

There is a heart beat in the womb, I discovered this years ago --when I can really be in that space and nourish it ..my belly swells, all pregnant with life and I can feel that connection. My breasts get heavy, they know the ground, they become like antennas tuned into the trees, they feel the subtle shifts of the wind. A womb connected, is a womb at peace. A womban in harmony with Life itself. When women live like this again --we will see great healing spread across the land. But as long as our women are beaten down, left traumatized on the streets to fend for themselves, starved off --literally, by men who just cannot stand that there is a woman who can hold her ground. I can't tell you how hard my life has been, because I am still a bit choked here but these chords of fear are loosening.

I'm looking at this:
"World peace must develop from inner peace. Peace is not mere absence of violence. Peace is the manifestation of human compassion."

God Bless this storm. I needed you to hold me.

I'm terrified right now, I'm saying it's just not safe --and I have not been able to release this story, that is mine, but it's coming now ...and I have to let her out, I can't hold it in anymore. It's crowning. And I'm trying to distract myself already, no ...I can't let them see me vulnerable, shaking inside. Hungry in this darkness.

I woke this morning with a golden sunlight in my womb ..illuminating my everything and I knew it was time for this ...

So here it is, this is where I came from: I have a mother who was a violent alcoholic when we were growing up --I have siblings, a sister and a brother who are 6 and 7 years younger. We all, in our own ways learned to grow in our own care and nurturance --to which our mother, from her own experience was rendered incapable of giving. She married a man when I was 5 who shortly after began molesting me, physically penetrating me. My mother worked nights, its was always when she wasn't home. His sexual inappropriateness never ended --but the physicality of the sexual abuse did when I was 12 --puberty struck my little woman's body and he decided he would switch to violent beatings instead. Punched. Thrown around. Head slammed off walls ..by a man easily 3 times my size. I learned to go numb, I learned to play dead. Fighting back always made things worse. I got really good at hiding. It was how I survived. To this day, I scare people constantly because they cannot hear me approach --I've learned to walk silently, mask my presence. I had a father who was never there for me, I learned early on that his relationships with women took a higher priority than me ..and he brought so many of them through my life. He ended up bringing a woman in who would later become his wife --she had 4 children, her story is hers to tell --but she was recovering from abuse ---she was another incapable of nurturing. She was jealous of me, as a child --it took me years to understand this --but I was a threat to her, 'the other woman' in my fathers life. So she did an inexplicable amount of damage to me, doing everything capable to destroy my image in my father's eye. I didn't speak to him for 4 years --for my own health. 

I didn't know the feeling of safety until I was 20 years old, and it took me 3 days to figure out what I was feeling as I was on land with only women at my first women's gathering --and it changed my life. I found the sweatlodge that year, I found the red tent, I found myself. I had already been well on my healing path ... working through this incredibly damaging life I had been forced to lead. On some level, I understand that I chose this, I chose to come here and do this work. To perform this healing. There is so much that can be written in that story --and the sun just came out, the storm has passed.

Do you know how impossible it is to write when you do not have the tools and support that you need? I heard once that true love is found in someone who protects your solitude. I believe this. I know how important it is to be alone. I've been alone for a long time ---but I experience loneliness very rarely. It's just when my back is breaking and my feet are aching that I cry out for support. Not everyone chooses the road I have walked, I am pretty sure it is reserved for the strong and the brave --cowardice does not bring you here.

I hear people wonder how these connections I claim to have can be ..and how do you find them? Spend time alone, and listen. Learn to rely on yourself --I had to, I didn't have a choice. I raised myself I say. I spent a lot of time in the woods, mediating as a child, although I had no idea that is what I was doing --I was just being --plain and simple. Until I learned to hide all those beautiful things because this world calls them crazy. You hear voices? --Why yes, thousands of my ancestors speaking. I am only alive here today because of them. I will never forget the many times I did not have the strength to stand and feeling arms that I could not see pick me up and carry me.

I'm an incredible woman, with an incredible story that really wants to be written --but I've been finding it impossible to create that space on my own. I'm tired. I've lived for years with severe post traumatic stress --my nervous system has been carrying the impact of so many rapes and so many beatings, I need to heal them ...but its very hard to do alone. Therapy is very expensive and when you are trying to keep a roof over your head, and food on the table and it is very hard to make space for this type of healing on your own. Everyone I talk to says when you are trying to build something, support is very important. So I stood up about 2 years ago --after really falling, saying I need support! It's important --only to be met with blank stares and ohh I'm so sorry and ohh I wish I could help, or the best one: you really need to learn how to support yourself --which is a hard one, because it's like hearing: "actually, you really do not deserve love or care from this world." But I know they do not know my story, so I forgive them. A friend of mine, a gentle man who is so much still a child, but I adore him --he tells me that it is as if I am building the empire state building by myself --if you ask my body, she will tell you that it feels this way. My arms are locking up again, my lower back feels split open after having a man come and horsekick me to the ground who claimed to love me who claimed to want to support me who told me I could trust him ..and I was so weary, and it was so hard, but I did ..I opened up and I let him. Can you imagine how hard it is for me to trust? That story will be written, but it is not time yet --because that will be raw and bare boned. I will only say that this inhumane treatment of woman must end, only because I want to stay focused on my current situation ...

I had moved in with a woman and her 5 year old son, we had great plans that we talked about for this beautiful 3 building log cabin property in the middle of town --a healing room, an office, a home business and then she bailed and I was doing it alone, and my back started to really hurt because I was going out of my way to hold this home for her and her son and was not being met with any support in return, so after 4 months of this I stood up and I said I am moving out --only because I would never tell a woman and her son that they had to leave. I was the one that was unhappy, so I was going to go --and I was struggling financially --and that is a whole other story of the ancient patriarch and his beautiful inn that he is running into the ground ---I've solidified that I just cannot work for men in this world, they are not yet evolved --and I have no tolerance and their behavior is detrimental to my health. Compromised as I was in being able to afford my rent in this battle. But I'm not going to get too side tracked here. So I am moving out. I was going to rent a room from a friend, but my mother convinces me to move back with her, save up money and get my place that I can afford alone. My housemates sister and her sisters boyfriend are moving in to take my place on the lease. The situation was resolved. Then this man, who I thought was such a beautiful man --and now I'm just convinced he was a really good sales man. Really it was a very serious case of man child. And looking back, a very bad decision. He lived in new york, I lived in pennsylvania --so I did not really know how he was living, we didnt get to see each other often --so when he posed, with no prompting or prodding from me to come in and take over my housemates half and to stop her sister and her boyfriend from moving in so that we could build the space that I craved --my permanent red tent --after asking him about 30 times if he was sure, I agreed --because I really really wanted this. I had no idea he was so deep in his shadow that he couldn't see his way out. I had no idea he was drinking every night beyond oblivion --escaping almost every weekend into mushrooms and calling it healing. He told me he had a bad ayahausca "trip" --you do not trip on ayahausca --you journey. I should have known. I thought I could heal him --I saw the man in him, that he was too terrified to be. I read shortly after he was gone, that the ayahausca will only bring you bad journey's when she is angry --which means he has no respect. I kept telling him he was abusing the medicine of the mushroom --he didn't understand, obviously there will be much growing on his behalf before he will ever become the warrior he claims to be. I was vulnerable already, tired already ---he bailed on me 6 days before rent was due with $200 in my bank account, and in a really bad way. I have never seen anyone so effectively destroy a relationship in one evening. To that I will give him credit. We had agreed that he would lay down all of March's rent so that I could save up and then we would split. I guess there is no way to really avoid speaking this so I will just dive into it. So I'm falling down because I sense him not supporting me ..I feel him bailing ...women know things, my back knows things. So I fall down, I get fired from my job for calling off an hour and a half before my shift --I literally couldnt walk, and then fell asleep for 8 hours. But my weekend was free --so I call him, and he's all excited that I can come up and he's going to some comedy show and the club where he runs his podcast out of in nyc ...I'm tired, I really don't want to go --I get there, I see him --he looks like a guilty child, but one of his friends was there --a young kid, college frat boy --I call him his minion --it was a bit ridiculous --so we didn't get a chance to speak privately. He's playing the game really well --but his energy his off and I really should have just stayed home and rested, but I said to myself "oh how bad can this be" --I had no idea, I had absolutely no idea how terrible that night would be. Shortly after we get there he distances himself from me completely --goes dead and cold. Every time I tried to speak to him he would look across the room and treat me like some inconvenience ---so I'm confused, I can't reach him --it gets progressively worse --and we're drinking --and then I'm drinking more because I have no idea where he is and I know where this is going ...I've been here before --I thought I was done with this. I've prayed over this so many times --and I was told that I keep attracting these things because I need to speak them --so I need to start speaking so they can stop happening --because I do not know how many more devastating blows my life can take. I asked him to take me back to my car ---which was outside of the city at his mother's house --where he was living ---#1 red flag --lesson learned --NEVER date a man who lives with his mama --no matter what story he gives you --which was his grandma was sick and he was moving in to support her ---nope, he's still living there I bet, breastfeeding daily. He refuses to take me to my car. So I erupt in front of everyone --which are all of his friends, and none of mine. I know no one --so this is a really great night for me ...I exploded and I said "You mean to tell me that I have to take myself out on the streets of nyc to get myself home right now" and he said "yes" --smug, satisfied --like his hidden little plan had been a success. He launched this all just to get out of moving in with me ---and thank god it happened, no one has to try to convince me that this was for the best --I already feel so much better without his energy connected to mine. He claimed to support me --but he fed off me, and choked me --there were warning signs, I didn't heed them. So I'm on the streets of nyc --furious and ready to have a break down --I grab a cab --the ride is over $160 and he knew this ---my debit card got denied 3 times before I got back out ---put my back against the wall and shattered silently --I tried to call a few friends, no one answered --so I had to go back to him. Now he wants to go party at his friends house in brooklyn ---I had to argue with him to take me back to my car. He's still dead and cold and now he's yelling at me because I'm too needy or something ..heaven forbid he think of me and that I might need some level of care. And then there was this dawning for me --that there are a lot of women who would tolerate that --those must be the women he is used to --the ones that sit all pretty and pretend to be content --they sit with their legs crossed --REAL tight, and smile. Good little girls ---women have no clue what they are worth or what they are capable of ---but they are trained right so they get treated right (that's debatable). Then another realization dawns --IF I would only just give up everything I have fought for ---everything I've plowed through just to become who I am --GOD my life would be easy. men would probably be serving me. Shit ain't gonna happen. There's a quote that really stuck --"Once you know you can't not know." It's true.

But let me tell you this. I was left 3 months ago paying over $1300 for a property I cannot afford on my own ---in a ridiculous condition ---I was ready to put myself in a women's shelter when I came back from nyc because I just cannot take any more abuse --but I couldnt get out of the lease ---held me rock solid as financially responsible 'til the end of the lease --which is the end of august. So i'm trying to make it through. That man had sucked so much of me --my left nipple caved in ---do you have any idea what it is like to watch your nipple invert from lack of care, nurturance and nourishment and too much abuse? It's devastating. I cant tell you how much I cried. I've been working to get roommates --I can't tell you how hard it was to have to be that vulnerable and invite strangers into your home. The whole thing felt like a violation. I have one now --he pays me $400 for a room --I need at least one more to sustain this home. Its tricky because the only bathroom is in the main house --so I need someone willing to walk in to use the bathroom and the kitchen. Not so easy. I am incredibly impressed with myself for making it this far ...I've been barely staving off eviction ---I just had to borrow $300 from a client as prepayment for services to halt eviction this month. That will be $300 I will not be bringing in next month. My car payments I can no longer afford ---I clean houses for a living and model, although I am retiring because I'm tired. I need my car to keep my business. So the big thing is I have been sitting here taking responsibility for the fact that I let a man come into my life and do this much damage --my home, my car, my business, my health.  I am thankful for this man for returning my self worth and everything is changing.

But I am asking for help --this is the hardest thing for me to do --but I am falling down, my nervous system is so taxed I am not receiving nourishment from the food I am eating because there is too much cortisol in my system. I need rest --not another job, which I considered going for today but then I see a hospital in my future and me there for exhaustion. I figured out how to add that little donate button from paypal to my blog --there was a tutorial (thank you). Many $5, $10, $20 donations add up. If you can offer more, bless you. 

I would love to be asking you to fund my moonlodge project, but I am too tired to raise that right now and am asking for money so that I can take care of myself please --because this has been a ridiculous ride. I haven't even shared with you the last 2 1/2 years --I think there was some hidden theme like let's drill Karly to the ground --- I can't even think of telling that story, its exhausting. Silenced in the talking stick ceremony, saged out of my own temple, and it's sticky in those places where we have to hold the women responsible --because I know I have said this before ---if we were really nurturing, caring for and protecting one another ---this situation on this earth would never exist. That one might be a bit harder to speak --but I will get there. 








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