Oh....... it is nearly 4am, I find myself under the moon again. Waking ...deeply, ancient archives embedded deep within my thighs ..arching my spine, opening, moonlight penetrating me.
Destiny, unraveling me. Opening me. I thirst ...I wait.
And still amidst what I can only describe as calamity ...this thunderous storm that has become me ...black clouds, dark ancient rage pouring down on me, ripping me open to a bodily hunger I may never be able to fully disclose ...I find myself filled to the brim with gratitude. The lightening itself drawing me to ecstasy. I amaze myself time and time again that I can always return to this place, deep well of compassion. Lotus blossoms (they are pink) for hands. Sacred woman following me in the shadows ..revealing herself, slowly. The power, ancient magic held deep within her hips. Lighting the soul song that flows through my outstretched arms into the world, my deepest prayer, my sacred dance. My love, seen.
Exploited.
I built a temple for woman. It was my home. Everyday, thank full for body, for rest, for soul. For honouring myself in a sacred way.
Then to walk out on the streets, no honouring, no recognition of what it is I hold. No respect. And I am supposed to just laugh, role over and play dead, no no, this is my battleground, and it is a battleground because I have chosen to speak to this. The way men violate women on the street, everyday I watch this, if it is not my own experience. There seems to be this teaching that if you are a man you have every right to put your hands wherever you want on a woman. That you have every right to violate her space when you approach her, and if she says no to you, then you have every right to humiliate her and even to physically harm her.
Now I might step a little deeper here and say that, as women, we are about a hundred years out of living as man's property here in the united states, in many other countries women still need man's permission to speak, to open the door to their own homes. Women still having their clitoris cut off and their vaginas sown shut so that on her wedding day her husband knows she is pure. She is his property after all. He has the right to abuse her, to use her, to kill her even, if she ever decides to, I don't know, fend off a blow. Wow. I'm just going to move down into this and hold this right now. I do not have the knowledge of what my grandmothers fought for, laid their lives down for, for nothing. The women who have fought before me so that I could have the opportunity to sit here and speak this, to pursue work in any field I desire, to own property, to live my life independent of a man and to claim my sovereignty. I honour them. Less than one hundred years ago my great grandmothers fought with their lives, they were jailed, attacked, murdered, tortured ...and today women, where is that spirit? Have you become so complacent with the lives set before you or have you become so numb that you cannot feel the violation.
Oh, Goddess ..it pains me to write this ...these ways in which I have been attacked, humiliated, robbed of these ancient robes of my soul --sold into a slavery that mocks my power, tears my throat out and fucks my body with no consideration for health, for safety. Where is kindness? Empty shame waste basket lying on the floor ...holding all the clothes of past lovers, is this my shame ...no no, these men who came to claim me. A little smile crept on my face, whispering me into silence ...they should have known better. No man can claim a woman who has already claimed her throne. And writing this, makes me happy. This deep centered place of knowing. I wish I could sit here everyday and just breathe and expand. Letting go..... How do you let go of thousands of years of rape, murder, war, destruction, the absolutely disrespect of life ..climaxing on the world stage at the brink of our human extinction, self created hell on earth --all because we choose to still deny the living breathing magic that creates unity in our breath, that beats in the hearts of you and me. Linking us eternally together.
Can we hold hands here? Breathe together here? Unify with our creation, heart, mind, body and soul?
My throat is actually raw from typing this ...allowing these words to flow from this deep, heavily armoured space. As I breathe into it ...I follow this into the dreamtime --that place where the sacred merges within the physicality of our world, I step into my 300 foot spirit body and I can feel the chain loosen and the heavy weight that used to shackle my feet hangs down from my vulva, swinging between my legs wide open, becoming the wrecking ball that this world so desperately needs. Tearing through cities, hunting misogyny in every corner of the earth, tearing out plastic playgrounds ---molding, shaping, loving, laughing in raw earth to hand to the children ---here is pleasure, here is fantasy, here is livelihood, here is the magic of this beautiful creation that is your birthright.
Purified of filth. Purified of hate. Cleansed of the blood of war. Nourished with the blood of life.
Never in my life would I ever dare teach a child of mine to hate, to judge, to mock. Never in my life would I want my child to grow up being taught to hate another child in another country. My children the only enemies you have are the ones that you create.
So when someone wants to speak to me, to try to play manipulative mind games and get me to second guess the enormity of the damage done to the collective soul body and psyche of woman --I will say this: women for hundreds, thousands of years have allowed this. Have found pride in raising their children for war and sending them off to murder or be murdered. And I stand and say, where is your instinct to protect life? Where is your ability to honour, to nourish, to feed in a healthy way. Buried under thousands of years of trauma.
And this is where I'm going to have to stop myself, because I can't seem to navigate here without revealing my own story ...and that will be one painful gift to write.
Finally, I understand the decent, why it's here and what it is for. It is a journey into wholeness. The dance of the seven veils --it's not luxurious or seductive --all thought it can be at times. It's bloody, it's painful, it rips you open raw --straight down to the bone, and when you get inside the bone you realize that there are these little particles like stars that make you who you are.
So I am hung on the peg now, staring my dark sister in the face, in the place of inanna, ishtar, astarte, ancient goddess who has brought me here on my knees, bleeding my life into the ground, I feel like I should be terrified but I've been tested and tried so much that I am losing my fear.
So I let my intestines fall to the ground, knowing that my life will continue on. And I pray for the medicine to come that will teach me not only how to restore my life, but all life on earth.
I just felt eternity slip through this hour glass and I'm sitting in the sands of time watching the waves wash in and out. The sun is rising now. All I can be is present with this day. And I pray to all great teachers, to all ancestors that stand in support of me that you shield me with your wisdom, and guide me into the forgiveness that I need to heal.
Aho! Sacred woman has returned. And I will continue to spiral deeper into this. To voice this. Because this is madness stampeding on earth.
