I cannot tell you how deeply I need rest, how deeply I need to be blanketed right now and be allowed to lay down for however long it is that my body needs in order to replenish itself. I am on the verge of complete collapse ...taking nerve tonics daily, rescue remedy daily --all because my experience of life on this earth has traumatized me to the point of barely being able to function. But still, I carry on. Somehow. Salt baths haven't been enough to pull this toxic shit out of my body. And I am still sitting here, after moving into my fourth month of holding this home in this impossible situation I was left in praying for some miracle solution to bring itself in the door before it kills me. People are telling me to abandon ship --to just up and walk away, pitch a tent in the woods and breathe again. I do not however see this as a viable solution --as that will just incur court fees and being sued by a company that has me legally bound to being financially responsible for this property until the end of august. Something needs to shift here, and ultimately it is me. I didn't realize how difficult the task would be to actually believe that I am loved and supported and taken care of on this earth --I have had so many experiences that have solidified otherwise into my being ---its taking me to the ground to release these things and remember that I am love, that you are love, that we are love and that we are in this together. It's taking everything to surrender at this gate and to allow this deep healing. I came across a writing by Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love ...and she says to be grateful for ruin, that ruin is a gift because it is the place of real transformation. I cannot wait to meet the woman who rises from this. She will be masterful and incredible. I'm almost excited that I'm the one that gets to be her --Lord knows I've suffered enough, and put in the work and that I deserve her. This incredible gift to the world that I know that she is. I pray I make it there, because as I have been experiencing, Elizabeth Gilbert also writes that this is a particularly dangerous place in which to exist, because you are not sure if you will live or die, but if you can figure out how to hold onto life strongly enough and pull yourself through you will be forever changed. I have fought like hell to stay alive in this world up to this point, and now with my body weaker than it has ever been all of a sudden I have to figure out how to fight harder than I have ever fought before ...and I am still trying to figure out if this is worth it --why am I alive in this world? Why I am risking everything and fighting so hard when I have been treated repeatedly so horrendously and inhumanely. As the world is still trying to choke me from speaking I have been turning to the words of Starhawk and Jimmy Carter to get myself through and to know without a doubt that effort is not without reason, and that this is justifiable and I am not imagining this and just being stuck in some victim role. Women are not exploding across the earth at the injustice of their treatment, because I am making this up. This is really happening. Jimmy Carter names the violence done to women as, inarguable, the largest unaddressed issue of our time in his book "A Call to Action: Women, Religion, Violence and Power." Starhawk is writing about how she doesn't like to talk about the violent times, to dwell on the histories --to retell these horror stories, but she calls her own self out here --that she might just be avoiding these stories to escape the pain in her book "Dreaming the Dark: Magic, Sex and Politics." So I keep reminding myself of my warrior priestess self who has bravely pioneered through the dark, who endured the pain and the humiliation and is still by some damn wonder, alive. And I am so compassionately moving deeper and deeper into forgiveness for the women who have been trying to move to silence me ..because I understand how painful it is to feel this. If I could protect you from it, I would, trust me ...and we have to stop protecting our men in these spaces if they are ever going to rise into the fullness of who they are. So many women have told me in my efforts to reach my brothers and get them to speak this for us, that they just cannot handle it ...well guess what, we are women and we are forced to handle it because these are our bodies and these are our voices, our men are apart of us they do not get the luxury of not being affected here. And they must also be held responsible. This is apparently why men run from me, I hold them accountable --and half the time I do not have to breathe a word, it is all said in my eyes. I'm working on an article for my brothers so that they can hear that the way our society is structured it is, by its design, a complete denial and affront on womanhood itself. I cannot stress here the importance it is for our men to get this now so we can be supported in creating spaces where we can be women in this world, not forced to deny our female process and just get on with it --because all of life is being poisoned through this action, and we are being called to create change in the way we are living on this earth.
I'm working out some deeper things in this story that has greatly upset me with this man who has left me in this predicament I currently find myself in. I'm really trying to find gratitude here, for being pushed to the brink and forced to step fully into my power --I'm thinking there could have been a more loving and gentler way to accomplish this --but apparently my body only speaks in violent upheavals and incomprehensible abuses. As I find myself still enmeshed in confusion, I am hoping to write myself to a deeper sense of clarity --and perhaps maybe this story will move other women to not get themselves ensnared in similar traps. Ultimately, I cannot shake the feeling that this is supposed to be punishment. Punishment for being a woman who has stepped out from beyond man's control. Obviously, I'm out of my mind here ...because what woman really behaves this way? What woman refuses to tolerate this continuous cycle of violence, however subliminal.
I'm still having trouble accepting that this is who Tim really is ...an asshole with no care or respect, who walks the earth raping the lives of women. The wind has begun to whip in response to my ability to confront this. Of course, he is completely ignorant of this, it does not admonish his action and I will not make excuses for the continued abuse, shaming and humiliation of women. Tim, his name is Tim Rothschild, he lives in Tappan, NY, he is 28 years old and I remember from the beginning being concerned about his age, even though it mirrors my own, that he had not yet reached the emotional maturity necessary to be my mate. I'm speaking his name because I have about as much instinct to protect him here as he had for me the night he subjected me to vial treatment and left me to break down alone on the streets of new york city at 2am. I knew we had come together to end a cycle, I just thought we would be doing it together in a kind and loving way. Trust me that if I knew this man would try to kill me, if I had any sense that he was capable of the damage that he has done, I never would have allowed him back into my life, to which he begged to come. I should have known better. I never should have allowed him to pry his way back in. I have stood on my own --I have had to learn to rely on myself my entire life. I am perhaps one of the most resourceful and self reliant people alive on this earth ---until I take myself to devastated and ravaged places on this earth, and meet the women who are taking care of the children there and then I will have to change my opinion as my vision alters, which only direct experience can truly bring. I must be honest that I began this post some months ago, my situation is changing, food has been coming from all directions, I am so much stronger than I was when I began it --but it takes so much damn time to write in this blog, there is no way I am erasing these previous words, my time is precious, and that part of my journey still deserves to be documented. It's funny that I would come here now and find this post half written and unpublished because it is exactly where I wanted to pick up. I just got done listening to Tim's now ex girlfriend --the woman he jumped into a relationship with right after me --express their breakup in her podcast. In one of their fights they were laying on the couch, after sex and she was wearing a dress with no underwear and when she would move her vagina would be exposed and he flipped out and told her to put it away. I can't wrap my mind around this --why would you shame and abuse your lover this way? It's his shame for his sex, because on some level he knows what he does is wrong, and I am still certain that his excessive sexual use of women is overcompensating for the fact that he is, indeed, gay. Instead of allowing him to shame her, she pulled the lips of herself apart and fully exposed herself to him, and it terrified him. This is perhaps the most amazing thing I have heard in awhile. The only other amazing thing to hear would be that women stand up in their power, protect one another and stop sleeping with men like this. This man has jumped from woman to woman, taking whatever he wants --using emotional abuse and spinning these stories of "expectations" to explain away his failure and blame someone else, because he is not man enough or mature enough to take responsibility. It is truly inexcusable --and a great tactic, apparently --because I just listened to this woman buy into it --hook line and sinker. Women actually deserve respect, we deserve someone who is going to be there and show up when we need them --someone we can trust. Not someone who will use us, party it up, show us off and then leave us in the dirt. I'm not speaking this because I want to bash him, or because I hate him --I'm actually speaking from an amazing place of gratitude for him to give me this gift of being able to come here and speak and know this so clearly. He gave me my self worth back ---he called me to task to stand up and be the guardian at my own gate that I so desperately needed myself to become. Because this shit is tired and it is thousands of years in its cycle of abuse and I stand to end it because this man is not a great man. He thinks he is. He is a great sales man. I bet he thinks his cock is awesome. His cock is poison to a woman like me, and he knew it from the beginning when he initially ran. He hid from me who he truly was --but I could see and I allowed myself to be blind because I bought into what he was selling --and he devastated my life. Not because he left --no no, I know how to take care of myself, but because he left me in a situation where I could barely feed myself, almost lost my home and my car and my business (because I clean houses, travel with supplies like vacuum cleaners and rely on my vehicle to function) and am still 6 months later not entirely out of the clear, but my lease ends in a few days and I have options now. The hell I've been through with this property was the most illuminating journey of my life. I'm coming to this solid recognition that this is who I am, and I NEVER deserved this. He could come now begging, crying to get back in --but I will not let him, a few months ago, maybe I would have --and I am speaking this from a compassionate place, because through my dreaming I have seen him now ..clearly ...and I love him for his soul but this ends now, and he is not worthy, unless he makes the changes he needs to make and stops polluting, damaging and destroying women --which is a mirror of what is happening on this earth. Man, I place this responsibility firmly back into your hands, clean up this toxic mess on this earth, your little boys game is over. 8 years I've been working on this speaking and now I finally feel like I'm forming the clarity I need to really speak it in the world, although I would still love blankets, shelter, love and support. But I've promised myself that I will somehow craft the way to spend more time being able to focus on my own needs --as I am incredibly over worked and tired. I still get pain around my adrenals every few days if I am not careful. I apparently began writing the story of our relationship, although I am at a point where the story does not even matter anymore, I just want to get it all out, let go completely and really move forward, but I am keeping the story for you to read because it takes me deep into my work and I see that some beautiful things have come to the surface here. Thank you Timothy Rothschild, for almost killing me so that I could stand up and claim my life in the most ferocious way. I imagine in the future, if I see you, you will probably run. Not from anything other than your own terror of a woman who stands in her power. My prayer is that we see a true reckoning and balancing of power on this earth. I just dreamed the other night that there was an emergency in the neighborhood where I was cleaning. When I went to leave, I couldn't get out of the neighborhood, all of the roads were blocked off --so I got out of my car, picked it up over my head like it was a box, and walked it through the road block til I got to the otherside. If that is any indication of the strength I have needed to summon to get myself through the last 6 months. It's been ridiculous.
Now for the story,
I arrive right before the ceremony is about to begin, so I do not have time to talk to and mingle and go right into setting up my space and sinking into what I had come to heal. The organizer introduces us because we are "neighbors" (sitting next to one another) and as we shake hands I take him in as a jock, wondering what the hell he is doing at an ayahausca ceremony and no connection really registers.
So there I am sitting in my dark corner, opening up my deepest sexual spaces to the Grandmother and allowing the medicine to interweave within the matrix of my womb's blood, praying it through my motherline, and I am in deep ecstasy. Inviting it to soak into my vaginal walls, letting it nurture the tissues of my cervix, breathing it in and out of my womb --where I had worked to remove so many painful memories --generations of rape and trauma. When I first broke my consciousness into my womb space, years ago, it was torment, it was a dark space filled with centuries of war, held deep by the chains of shameful disgust. These were the memories and feelings holding in the energetic matrix that made up the living tissue of my womb. This was horrifying to me, that this place from which we were creating and birthing our children was filled unconsciously with so much violence. It quickly became my life's work to heal this, for all of us really ...and since I have been doing this work, many voices have joined the chorus and more and more women are finding their way home. Scientific studies are proving the nourishing and regenerative qualities of the menstrual blood --the only blood carrying the mitochondrial DNA --which is like the seed cell that replicates itself over and over and over again through out all life --it is the connecting force in the universe it is held within the woman's menstrual blood, and is passed only through the mother line. The woman actually holds the tapestry of life together --but our women are being destroyed, so all life hangs in question now. Can we move to a place of balance where our women are being remembered and honoured again so that life can nourish and heal as we do or do we continue to beat them down and choke them until there is just no life left. These are the questions now. I could write a whole chapter on this, but it will have to wait for the book.
Back to the ceremony, back to the man who can take absolutely no responsibility for the damage he has done, and for the damage he will continue to do until he learns to take responsibility. To the man who cannot even apologize for being an abusive asshole. The story of many men can be recorded here. After the ceremony I began to realize that whenever this man came near me an intense heat would start to radiate through my body. And it doesn't hurt that he is good looking, so I ask him to hold me, and he does --for an hour. I began telling him all about my work with the womb and the blood and the temples. I find out he and his friend had wandered into the red tent my girlfriend holds as a permanent space in her lodge, the red tent that I had originally brought to the land. Of course they were asked to leave, and explained to that it is held as a women's only space. But he confided in me, as many men have that not only does he want but need a similar space. So I have actually been working on bringing the men into this movement, but of course at this point, I have no fabric left and am half dead in exhaustion so this won't be happening anytime soon, unless someone wants to fund this project and I can afford myself a 3 month vacation. What I feel the men really need to understand is that, ultimately, their red tent is within the woman that they love, as the red tent is built as the representation of the womb herself. So from the place where I am writing, where I can sort of move in and feel where we are at right now on this planet --is that we are all wounded here and we all need care and love to fill these spaces which have been abandoned for centuries in the arts of conscious sexuality and conscious conception. We are breeding a wasteland in our haste, and we all need to come home. When the woman can erect herself again as the home and be honoured in this place --the woman herself becomes the source of man's nourishment, the place where he goes to pray and to cleanse his soul. So when a man makes a commitment to love and nurture the womb of his partner his place of healing will actually be within her, within the container of their relationship. This kind of partnership takes maturity, it takes respect, it takes utmost honesty, and it takes two people who really take responsibility for showing up and doing the work. Someone said the other day there is no difference between a secret and a lie. This is true. We see this movement right now on the planet of women reclaiming their goddess selves --our priestess ---in short, we are reclaiming our spiritual authority on earth and learning how to live in our power as a living breathing connection to life. A man can look at a woman or a woman can look at another woman and say "Oh she is Goddess" but can they see the living connections to life that she holds? This is what needs to happen. We need to look within the woman and know without doubt that because she is breathing life is breathing. So let us walk with that honour and respect for the connection to life that women hold. When men learn to really honour and love the women again in this way, his love will actually disspell the thousands of years of trauma buried in this deep place of woman --from which we all suffer, and trust me that these memories are within all of us --whether they are conscious or not. Many argue here, because they want to escape the pain ..and systems of denial are erected here at all costs to avoid getting wet. Time to get wet. And we need to bring the divinity back in our men. Goddess knows, we need you. And this is being spoken from a woman who should by all means hate you, but has somehow grown beyond the shadow of her abuses to hold enough compassion to pray for you men. I will not deny for a second that I am not still angry. Furious even, but that will be your test. Because so many of you, deserve this. My rage has thundered this earth in hail storms, did thousands of dollars of damage to cars (sorry --hope everyone had really good insurance) but it is necessary.
This is as far as I got with the story, and I could go deeper but its exhausting to rehash the past. I could talk about the treatment, but I'd rather relax. He lost his ability to speak to me like a human being --I became some sort of doll to him, just something to throw around. He's immature. His friends are too. It was a joke. But by all means, in the Temple of the Goddess to which I have dedicated my life to Restore. By Her Law --I still find him guilty of rape, theft and attempted murder. One day he will have to face those crimes. There is no longer excuse for this behavior, and I hope more women start to stand stronger on their own and stop making excuses and protecting these men. We can still love them, but we can no longer enable this destructive behavior.
(Do you have any idea how grateful I was that when I came to write this, it was already written, and so wonderfully)
And if you are wondering, reading this, if I still need money --fuck yeah I do. I'm either staying in this home or moving and this has sucked me dry on so many levels. In that statement I can feel this shift on the planet --we're giving up, yeah in a way --but we're not. Those who come, will come. This planet can not feed this wasteland that we are creating, so she's going to get rid of us. I have ideas of what this will look like ...and who knows what the timeline will be. But we are going to need one another in the future. To be able to trust one another with our lives, with our children's lives ..we should already be living this way, for it is sacred law to live in harmony with creation and our people have broken that law and have been at war, destroying now for so long.
In Peace, I Surrender to what my future brings. Perhaps a man, someday who is brave enough to stand by a woman like me. Strong enough to take the onslaughts of criticisms he will be receiving just for being with me. Someone who will know and understand these sacred relationship and connections to life, and understands that we bridge them and heal them together --not run when things get tough. And he will lay his semen to the earth, before he lays his semen inside me. Until then, I will continue to build this foundation on what feels like sacred worth.
