Today was a day of completely melting down. I've realized that if I am going to make it through this I'm going to have to write ..to keep speaking this, for myself. I'm collapsing. It was verified by a healer, I don't know if that makes the situation any better .... it just makes the reality of it more severe. "It's as if you are collapsing in on yourself.", she says to me. "You really need to focus on building up your power center and keeping your heart open." I want to scream at her, shake her even ..but I don't. I know it's not her fault ...I'm not here to blame anyone. Although, I believe that it would be the repeated attacks on my life that have created this situation. It's a funny situation ...a feeling of suspension, really. Of not knowing if I am going to survive this ..where is my community? Where are hearts and hands and unity? As I am breaking down today I am wondering why I am crying alone. I've been through so much ..and I've been able to keep myself alive --I'm fighting for my will to keep going. I do not fear death, I have met its gates many times. So I just keep surrendering.
I know I am a bright light. Because of the experiences I have had, I learned at a very young age how vital bringing love into the world was --so in spite of everything I was able to maintain this heart centered way of being and people on this earth do not handle that very well. I become a mirror for every one's shadow.
Reckoning at 28 years old, that I have learned to survive off virtually nothing. I never really ask very much of anyone. I've always worked hard, I've always taken care of myself ---but the last 2 and a half years have been painstaking ...I need rest.
What I know: No woman ..or man for that matter should have to fight as hard as I have fought to stay alive. A year and a half ago I spent 3 months eating out of garbage cans and stealing food because I had to in order to keep myself alive ...I spoke to many in my community that I did not have food, and repeatedly people turned their backs. Its hard to forgive these things. Why do people not care? I see other people helping other people, but when I need nothing comes. How am I creating this? What level of responsibility must I take here? I will never forget how it felt to be starving ...it is a terrible feeling, an animalistic beast comes forth to claim her space in the world ---I really felt like I had to have that experience in order to awaken these instincts. Instincts to protect, nurture and survive. We all face an uncertain future ...no one can say for sure exactly what it is going to look like. I am positive of this: we are going to have to come together as a people once more and truly care for one another and keep each other alive. We are not doing this. I can bare witness. I look at our society --and for survival within it one is forced to focus on oneself primarily --establishing one's business, image ..whatever else. Its very very hard for me to concern myself with these things --I believe it to be why it has been so challenging for me to form a business in this world. I clean houses, for now ---it gets me through, it is certainly not what I want to be doing for the rest of my life.
Rape, it's sort of like a terminal disease ..it infects your whole life. Blinds you to your beauty --tells you that you are filthy and unworthy ..that you are whore ...that you deserve it. Then I look at society and how predominant those messages are in the world for women and I can't help but see this issue of rape as really being a bit out of control. Trusting people --forget it. It hurts too much. I can't tell you how much effort it took --years of therapy, of breaking down to rip this layer of disgust off of me so I could begin to see myself again. Why are we damaging one another this way? Why do we live in a world too terrified to confront these issues ..because if we would stand up, this would end. It really would. Sexual dysfunction seems to be a rampant case --I've traced it through many cells and many bones --we all have work to do here. Standing up, getting clear, claiming our place, knowing we we are again. I believe we are all suffering from amnesia of the soul ..we've lost the inner mechanics of who we are, forgotten how to read the maps of our own hearts ..and because of that our souls are lost.
Sandra Ingerman diagnosed the world with mass soul loss. I agreed with her. We are all terrible fractured --a mirror, of what we are doing to our land right now with this hydraulic fracturing --it's nuts really. How many holes can you put into a wall before it ceases to be able to hold the ceiling up ..this is what we are doing to our earth. And these are not surface wounds we are inflicting --they are deep, puncturing things like livers and lungs and pumping thousands of gallons of toxic waste into her body. It feels like murder. Deliberate? Or simply ignorant?
I have a deep affiliation for this mother that I know as earth --and maybe it is because I had to rely so deeply on her for my own mothering, it is how I have become connected to so many ancestors, because I had to reach so deep inside to keep going that I met these places within that are abandoned and forgotten in most. I treasure them --I find them more valid than the waking world --as it is from these layers of human experience, which most are numb to that we create our waking world. The aborigines call it the sacred dream time. I honestly believe, that it has been my connection to this space that has kept me holding onto life here on this earth ..because as I began to really write in my last post my treatment on this earth has been disgraceful and utterly inhumane. I remember about almost 3 years ago now I was coming out of a dream ...in the liminal space between sleeping and waking where we can really consciously travel ...I was met by grandfathers, there were 2 and they were very excited to show me something ..they said I had earned it. They took my hands and led me through the forest ..I remember walking up hill for sometime and then we stepped out into a clearing that was on the mountains edge and I was looking into the most magical ravine I had ever seen ..an entire valley sparkling and green and clear, absolutely beautiful. They had told me that this is what we were doing here, we were recreating the earth for the children. That when we restored the sacred hoop of our people that this world would be born. I carry that image of that world that I was shown inside me. And instead of being cared for, nurtured, protected --I have been raped, repeatedly, mocked and humiliated, kicked and beaten down --and I am tired, and furious but still in my heart I find this deep well of compassion because I understand that there is just so much fear here. So much fear in the children. It doesn't help to live in a world where most would call me nuts for what I just wrote here. "just delusions" right ---those worlds of our ancestors do not exist, right? Well, where do you think came from my child?
